Alli Snow (allisnow) wrote,
Alli Snow
allisnow

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The dead tyrant sketch

Mohammed: Look, infidel, I know a dead tyrant when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Abdullah: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable fella, idn'it, ay? Beautiful mustache!

Mohammed: The mustache don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

Abdullah: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mohammed: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at Saddam, still hanging by the neck) 'Ello, Mister Former President! I've got a lovely virgin for you if you show...

(Abdullah nudges the body)

Abdullah: There, he moved!

Mohammed: No, he didn't, that was you moving the rope!

Abdullah: I never!!

Mohammed: Yes, you did!

Abdullah: I never, never did anything...

Mohammed: (yelling and thwacking the body repeatedly) 'ELLO SADDAM!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes out a knife and cuts the rope suspending the body above the ground. It collapses into a rather disturbing-looking heap.)

Mohammed: Now that's what I call a dead tyrant.

Abdullah: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mohammed: STUNNED?!?

Abdullah: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Tikritis stun easily, major.

Mohammed: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That tyrant is definitely deceased, and when I visited him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged cover shoot.

Abdullah: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Euphrates.

Mohammed: PININ' for the EUPHRATES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, if he's alive, why is he all crumpled up like that?

Abdullah: Your typical Ba'athist prefers sleepin' on its head! Remarkable, id'n he, squire? Lovely mustache!

Mohammed: Look, I've taken the liberty of examining that tyrant, and I discovered the only reason that he had been in a vertical position was because he had been HUNG there.

(pause)

Abdullah: Well, o'course he was hangin' there! If I hadn't dangled that tyrant by his neck, he would have had Ramsey Clark chew through the ropes and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mohammed: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this fella wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Abdullah: No no! 'E's pining!

Mohammed: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This tyrant is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't hung him from the neck he'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' jihad invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TYRANT!!

(pause)

Abdullah: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of tyrants.

Mohammed: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Abdullah: I got Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

(pause)

Mohammed: Pray, is HE alive?

Abdullah: Nnnnot really.

Mohammed: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
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