Any government flunky listening into your phone calls/intercepting your emails...
Would be very bored
Would be very afraid
Would be very confused
Should be ashamed! Dirty, dirty boy!
Should ask you out to dinner
Of course, the reason you're being surveilled in the first place is because...
You checked out a library book on how to make bombs and/or fruitcake
Let's admit it... you're an exhibitionist
You told somebody you were on a "jihad" for the perfect thong
You're actually a terrorist (it's okay, we won't tell)
You're a filthy liberal
Are they going to be able to dig up any dirt on you?
No way, you speak in code! "Ouyay an'tcay understandway emay!"
You admitted to stealing a crayon from your first grade classroom. Pack your bags for Gitmo
Nope, you're as pure as the driven snow
Yeah, you're pretty much screwed
This is why you have that Cayman Island account