Alli Snow (allisnow) wrote,
Alli Snow

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Back by popular demand!

Okay, so no one demanded it. I'm a pimp. But a merry, holiday pimp.

How SG-1 Saved Christmas

The Gate swirled and whirled, and four figures stepped through
And in front of them, there in the snow, stood a Who.
She nervously bowed, said "You'll have all our thanks
If you can stop the Grinch's horrible pranks!"

"It's no problem at all," said Jack with a smile
"If you've got a bad guy with no sense of style.
He'll be gone in a jiffy! We'll take him out quick!
We'll lock him up tight, this imposter St. Nick."

"Hammond explained it," said Daniel. "We know that your town
Has been harassed by this monster!" He sighed and he frowned.
"We hoped and we hoped that he'd changed his bad ways,
That he'd come to accept all your festive displays."

"So he'd like you to think!" said the long-suffering Who.
"As a matter of fact, we all thought that too!
We forgave him his sins on this most merry of seasons...
But then he did it again, and we don't quite know his reasons!"

Sam straighened her cap. "Well, where is he now?
We'll deal with this cretin... we'll do it somehow.
He can not be as bad as some others we've fought.
A green furry man? He'll be easily caught."

The Who picked a path through the snow, and she led
While Teal'c simply frowned and shook his bald head.
It was true that he'd seen some strange things in his time
But why, oh why were his friends all speaking in rhyme?

On a mountain just north was the Grinch's abode
In a dank little cave far off the main road
The young Who explained, as they travelled this distance
What had led to their cry for outsiders' assistance.

"He came in his sled, his dog dragging behind,
And took all our toys - he was out of his mind!
So we sang, made a big show of feeling alright
He came back with our things -- he seemed quite contrite.

We plied him with packages, toys and a feast.
We even let the monster carve the roast beast!
But when next year came he was at it once more
Taking the wreaths from the walls and our rugs from our floors.

He came to his senses, he gave it all back.
But what if next time it's a violent attack?
What if, instead of stealing our food, gifts and toys
He horribly murders young girls and small boys?"

"That is quite a cause for concern," Jack agreed.
"Sounds to me like he's nothing more than a bad seed.
We'll find him for you, miss, and tie him up well.
This year he can spend Christmas eve in a cell!"

Daniel said, "That's a little bit harsh, don't you think?
Maybe he just needs some time with a shrink.
Some mind-altering drugs might make him less rude
And help put him in the holiday mood."

"Shh!" said Sam with a wave of her hand.
Jack made a face and said, "I'm in command!"
"Yes sir," she answered, "but you might like to know,"
"I saw something moving up there in the snow."

Quietly, Daniel asked, "What did you see?"
"A large ammo box and a huge RPG,"
Said Sam, rather grimly, fingers thoughtfully drumming.
"This won't be easy... the Grinch knows we're coming."

"How could he know?" asked the Who with a start.
"He couldn't have guessed it, he can't be that smart."
Daniel leaned close to the Who-girl and hissed,
"It might be the Whos have a spy in their midst."

With caution the five continued their mission,
Trying to sneak up on the Grinch's ammunition.
Jack carefully plotted a way through the snow
That would let them outflank their furry green foe.

Then suddenly - bam! - a sound shot through the night
And with horror they watched Daniel Jackson take flight.
A second explosion came quick on its heels
But no reaction was quicker than that of O'Neill's.

Heedless of danger, he rushed up the slope,
Gun at the ready and fitted with scope.
But the dastardly Grinch was nowhere in sight.
He'd shot at the team and had then taken flight.

But in the soft snow were his obvious tracks:
A machette, an Uzi, a sword and an axe.
The Who's worst fears all seemed to be true:
On top of his thefts, he was dangerous, too!

Having located Daniel, quite battered and bloody
Carter and Teal'c soon caught up with their buddy.
They too saw the weapons and tracks on the ground
And stepped forward carefully, looking around.

For here the trees grew thick and dense,
The perfect place for a Grinchy defense.
"This is all my fault," said the small Who-girl stranger,
"I asked for your help... I put you in danger."

"You couldn't have known he'd go to this length,
That he'd be so prepared, or have so much strength.
We're here and committed," said Jack with a twitch.
"Now c'mon, let's go after this son of a bitch."

They need not go far, for there in a clearing
Was the fuzzy green bastard the Whos had been fearing.
He didn't seem armed -- he seemed hardly awake.
Sam paused, then announced, "I don't think he's a snake."

The Grinch blinked and looked at them, dazed and confused.
The smile on his face was perplexed and bemused.
"What am I doing here? Who are you folks?
Is this a set-up... some kind of hoax?"

"Not even close!" said the Who-girl, enraged.
"Don't give me that look... you belong in a cage.
You stockpile weapons, you mistreat your dog, Max,
You're responsible for all of these Yuletide attacks."

But the Grinch, slowly standing, seemed honestly shocked,
Staggering in the snow as though he'd been rocked.
"There are misdeeds in my past, yes, I fear.
But ever since then, all I bring is good cheer."

Livid, the Who stamped her foot, shouting, "Liar!
Last year you set the whole village on fire.
You did come back later, and helped put it out,
But that doesn't excuse all your actions, you lout."

(Daniel, still bleeding, could no longer walk.
He sat on a stump, hoped for help from the Doc.)
The Grinch simply stood there in utter disgrace
Regret and confusion so clear on his face.

"I see now," said Jack with a slight knowing nod.
"All of his puzzlement, it's not a facade.
The reason behind the Grinch's immorality
Is perfectly obvious: he's a split personality.

In which case our vengeance just wouldn't be right.
So get a straight-jacket, wrap him up tight.
There's a nice padded cell Daniel's grandpa vacated.
He'll be safe there: the Whos should be elated."

"We surely will," said the girl in relief.
"And glad to be done with this green, fuzzy thief.
The quicker the better, please take him away.
Christmas is near, there should be no delay."

As she dialed, Sam said "Teal'c, you've said not a word.
Do you think this whole mission was simply absurd?"
The Grinch entered the Gate; Teal'c watched Daniel proceed,
Inclined his head, and answered, "Indeed."

The End

And while I'm at it, here's my SG-1 holiday video, christmas eve/sgc.

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