Of course things would not be as bad if people actually knew how to drive. So I have composed the following.
Dear Fellow Commuters,
Since it seems that the vast majority of you actually failed driver's ed and got your instructor to pass you by sleeping with them, or something equally distasteful, I have decided to enlighten you regarding certain rules and customs of the road.
1. See that 3 car-length space between me and the car in front of me? That's not a spot I'm holding open just special for you. (Considering the speeds at which we are currently traveling, it should be a 6 or 7 car-length space, but anyone who actually tries a stunt like that will probably get snarled at/flipped off/shot at.) It is actually a buffer so that, if the car in front of me stops suddenly, I only slam into its rear bumper and do not actually wind up in the front seat with the driver.
2. People who use breakdown lanes as passing lanes, you are assholes.
3. People who are merging onto the freeway in heavy traffic: I will let you in. One of you. Maybe two. Not five. If everybody lets a couple people in then it will go very smoothly. But if you race up and try to cut in, I will ride the bumper of the car in front of me like we are glued together and you will just have to sit there looking stupid.
4. Motorcyclists: I'm starting to think that most of you who end up run over while splitting lanes probably deserve it.
5. Blond chick wearing sunglasses talking on cell phone who got pulled over by the cops: Ha.
6. If you don't know the area and you are in the wrong lane when your exit comes up, be a thoughtful human being and just take the next exit, rather than swooping across eight lanes of traffic. Otherwise you are an asshole.
7. If you know the area and are still in the wrong lane when your exit comes up, because the lane you were in was moving faster, and you swoop across eight lanes of traffic, you are an asshole squared.
8. You: in the center lane. Left lane: moving incrementally faster. You: squeeze into the left lane, probably without using a turn signal. Time you have just saved: none. People who now thirst for your blood: pretty much everybody.
Anyone else have any to add?